Life Story Tips: Decide What to Include
How do I strike a balance between revealing too much and too little?
Imagine yourself at lunch with a friend. This person is not a lifelong friend, but someone who is more than a casual acquaintance. Maybe your children went through school together so the two of you have shared the laughter and tears as your children grew up, went off to college, married and had your grandchildren. Maybe one of you has been through divorce or loss of a spouse or parents.
Now suppose your friend asks: "How did you become the person you are today?" What would you say? What events would you say shaped and transformed your life? What people would you list as being influential in your life and why and how were they influential?
As you think about the events and people in your life, you might first write a general answer to the questions—think of it as an overview of your life. Later, you may find you want to delve deeper into some of the areas. Choose an event and write about it in detail. Likewise, choose a person and write about how you met, your conversations, and how you were helped or instructed.
Write as if you were speaking to a friend over lunch—revealing yourself in a way comfortable for both of you.
What do people forget to include when writing their life story?
Life story is not the same as genealogy, but it is still important to include all the basic information. Include your full name, Full name means first, middle, any nicknames, maiden name or names, if you are a woman, and your last name or, again, names if you are a woman who may have been married more than once.
You might include how you received your name or any story associated with your name. For example, a man in a recent class told of being called Cornie as he was growing up. It wasn't until he registered for the draft that he learned to spell his full name—Cornelius.
Other basics to include: date and place of birth, parents' names, grandparents' names, and names of siblings.
Also include names of your spouse or spouses and when and where you were married. Of course, your children's names, dates and places of birth would be included too.
At first, you might simply make a list of all these names and dates. As you write your story, weave the information into the story, being sure to include occasional reminders of who those persons are.
I have mixed feelings about writing about my life. Sometimes I feel very angry; sometimes I feel sad. Meanwhile, I avoid writing, but my kids keep asking me to write.
Unfortunately, many people have had unfair and unfortunate occurrences in their lives so take comfort that you are not alone. There is no shame in having a less-than-perfect life. In fact, who among us has had a perfect life? Still, how to write about it?
Here are two simple questions to answer. (They are simple questions; the answers won't be so simple.)
- What are three (or one or two or however many) things I hated, and how did they make me stronger?
- What sustained me as I experienced hardships in my life?
These two questions are a little trick—a way of turning the tragic into the triumphant. Try it. It will work. Write your answers and you will feel better for it when you see how you have grown and overcome.
I just want to write something short and concise but meaningful. How can I do that?
Look at Robin Roberts' book, From the Heart: Seven Rules to Live By. Robin, co-host of Good Morning America, has made a list of the rules she lives by and then she has told interesting stories from her life that illustrate how these came to be rules by which she lives. Now, my guess is that if, before she wrote the book, you said, "Robin, tell me the seven rules you live by," she would have been unable to do so. Making such a list takes some time and some thought, but she did it—so can you.
What are the five rules you live by? What are the ten rules you live by. Maybe you want a really short book. What are the three rules you live by? How did you come to those rules? What life experiences contributed to your adopting those rules? Like the rest of us, and like Robin, you may have learned these rules by making some mistakes. Don't be afraid to admit your mistakes. Don't be afraid to poke a little fun at yourself. And also, like Robin, do remember to credit those who helped you and taught you along the way. (note: Yesterday Robin Roberts announced she has breast cancer and will be having surgery. Our thoughts and prayers are with her.)
I tried to start a timeline, but I have trouble remembering years far in the past. I get frustrated trying to remember and I just quit.
Here is an idea I got from Lynn Anderson, editor of The Best Times. In her May 2007 column, "The Editor's View," she wrote about a couple that gardens. In an unexpected spring freeze, they had lost many plants in their garden. Lynn writes: "Instead of wallowing in the grief of their losses, he and his wife have a plan. . . . They're going to walk backward through the years, remembering their garden planning sessions, lively trips to nurseries, moving of plants here and there for best effect."
When I read this, it occurred to me that life story writers could apply the same technique. Work your timeline backward. Begin by listing most recent events instead of most distant. Memories trigger memories and soon you will find the past rising to the surface. Remember to concentrate on successes and accomplishments and soon you will be smiling as your list grows longer and longer.
How do I write about my difficult parents when my children have a good relationship with them? I don't want to damage that relationship.
At a recent life story gathering, someone asked how to write about difficult parents and a difficult childhood. This question is frequently asked, but there was a twist this time. This person's children have a good relationship with the grandparents. The writer doesn't want to taint that relationship by detailing grievances.
Actually, she answered the question herself. She doesn't have to "detail" the grievances. She can summarize the entire situation in a sentence. My parents and I sometimes disagreed. Or—as I summarized on page 15 of the Write Your Life Story in Eight Weeks Workbook: "My parents were harsh."
That's it. No details needed. However, the writer can go on and detail what she learned from these experiences and what sustained her during any difficult times. This is also an opportunity to write about people who weresupportive and loving. Sometimes it is necessary to write a draft or two in which you are more specific and get all your hurt and anger out on the page. Then, go back and edit, edit, edit and summarize. This doesn't mean you sugarcoat events. It just means you choose your focus.
You have advised writers to be honest about their struggles and disappointments; however, I don't want to go into embarrassing detail or sound critical or complaining. How do I include these parts of my life?
Actually, you have the answer. You say you don't want "to go into embarrassing detail." Include the parts of your story, just don't go into embarrassing detail. Briefly report the facts.
I just finished reading a co-authored memoir that I really enjoyed: My Life in France by Julia Child with (her husband's grand-nephew) Alex Prud'homme. I know that Julia Child was tall, about six feet; but she seemed so self-assured, poised, and concerned with other things, I never thought about how she might feel about her appearance.
However, she gives the subject one paragraph in her 300-page book. She writes: I wanted to look chic and Parisian, but with my big bones and long feet, I did not fit most French clothes. She concludes the paragraph by telling about a night she and an American friend dressed for a party at the U.S. Embassy: We had expensive hairdos, put on our nicest dresses, chicest hats, and best makeup. Then we looked at each other. "Pretty good," we declared, "but not great." We had tried, and this was the very best we'd ever look. (p.82)
Notice, she reports the event with basic facts. She doesn't whine or cry or wallow in disappointment. Yet, now we know a very feminine, womanly side of Julia Child that we have not known before. And we find her even more appealing.
Treat your shortcomings in the same way. Your reader will love you for it.
For my life story to be meaningful or done "right," do I have to include my very young years?
Not at all. This is your life story. You can include or exclude whatever you want. In fact, Donna, a member of the Advanced Life Story Group, recently wrote a very funny story about something that happened to her one day after our meeting.
The story revealed something about Donna's present life, her interests, a friendship, how she reacts to an unexpected (and very expensive) situation, her personality and character.
Now I have to admit that in the groups I lead, I had been thinking in terms of writers' childhoods or their young adult years; but because of Donna's story, I see a whole new dimension to life story.
Donna has written stories about her childhood, but she also has written some wonderful contemporary stories about how her family celebrates Christmas, parties she has attended, and friendly family competitions.
Stella, another member of the same group, also has written contemporary stories that include her grandchildren and adult children.
Let's look at it this way. If it's part of your life, it's material for your story. Use it and enjoy.
In our life story writing class, the stories are full of detail. How much detail is really necessary? My style is just brief and to the point.
Of course, it is important to stick with your own style and comfort. However, just for fun, you could try adding more detail. Answer the basic reporting questions of who, what, where, when, and why. Then think about including sensory detail such as smell, sound or touch. And, remember emotion. What were your feelings?
But even a very short piece can be a good story. Look at this example from Find Your Way Home: Words from the Street, Wisdom from the Heart by the Women of Magdalene. (from the back cover: Magdalene is a residential community in Charleston for women who have survived lives of prostitution, violence, and abuse.)
I had just come out of jail, where I had to bunk with fifty other women. When I walked in, they handed me a key; and I could see a kitchen with pots and pans and plates. I almost dropped to the ground I was so thankful to have that key. I didn't want to lose it. It was small, but it kept me going for a long time until the lessons started taking root in me.